And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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