does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
