I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
