I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
