I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
