I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Blood and glitter go together right?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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