just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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