Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You're like the curious george of whores
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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