Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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