I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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