so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
