I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
