well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
