my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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