Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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