Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
