ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
