You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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