oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
