Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
