The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
