True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
