So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
