FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
