He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
