When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
