I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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