I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
