Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
