Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
