it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you have to choose: penises or morals?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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