don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
