think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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