jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
