I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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