Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
