I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I supernannyed him into submission
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
