i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
