I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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