Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize