In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
