Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
