I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
