i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
my poor anus
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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