you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize