I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
