karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
