I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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