my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
