The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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