Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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