There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize