Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
