Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
