Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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