i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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