Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
