my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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