Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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