It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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